What’s Wrong With Glenn Beck’s Health?

Glenn Beck is a popular radio and television host, author, and conservative spokesman. Lately, he has been complaining of health problems. His first complaint was that he was having trouble seeing. More recently, he has complained about changes to his voice, numbness to his hands, and has had difficulty losing weight, despite starting to work out. The following are theories about why his health is deteriorating:

Theory #1: Macular Dystrophy/Reynaud’s/small fiber issues/Vocal cord paralysis

Glenn Beck’s doctor’s believe that there are a whole host of things wrong with Glenn Beck, ranging from macular dystrophy destroying his eyes, paralysis in the vocal cords, and even Reynaud’s disease. If this is the case, then Beck is one of the most unlucky people on the planet. It’s a good thing that he can afford expensive doctors, because he’s going to need it – until Obamacare takes away his right to go to the doctor of his choice. Then he’s out of luck.

Theory #2: Nanobots

There doesn’t seem to be too many people that take this theory seriously, but Glenn Beck did receive a call on his radio show from someone who believed that he was being poisoned with nanobots. While nanobot technology does exist that can do some pretty amazing things, this theory is a little hard to believe. Then again, who would have thought that the United States would have been run by socialists and communists five years ago?

Theory #3: Spiritual Issues

Some believe that Glenn Beck’s problems stem from spiritual issues. He has been reading an awful lot of books lately by people that are just plain evil. Could the poison from the books that he has been reading affect his health? Could reporting on all the negative things that our country is going through be making him blind? While Beck’s immune system may be compromised by the negative thoughts and stress that he has had to withstand lately, this is unlikely to be the complete reason for his health problems today.

Theory #4: Aspartame Poisoning

Glenn Beck’s cohosts were quick to dismiss the possibility that Glenn Beck could be affected by aspartame poisoning. Occam’s razor would suggest that this is the most likely possibility. Aspartame poisoning is the source of a whole slew of symptoms, including loss of vision, numbness in the limbs, changes in the voice, and difficulty losing weight. It can also resemble the symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis (Beck mentioned that doctors concluded that he didn’t have M.S.; if he didn’t have symptoms resembling M.S., why would they have to dismiss that notion?). If all of Glenn Beck’s symptoms match the symptoms of aspartame poisoning, how hard would it be to test it out? Beck should switch from diet colas to regular soda for a while and test it out. What would be the harm in that?