I Miss Her

Lonesome

My wife died Tuesday, March 12, 2013 at 9:30 P.M.

I miss her.

She had a brain tumor Glioblastoma.

Which is as bad as it sounds.

She was diagnosed on January 11, 2013.

It did not take long.

She was a nurse.

There was no way to kid her.

She knew the score.

What shall we do Mary?

“I don’t want to die.”

“Honey, you are not going to die,

let’s do the Chemo.. the Radiation..

Maybe a miracle..”

“OK”.

No such luck.

The Chemo, the radiation every day for 2 weeks..

She gets weaker and weaker..

Finally, Pneumonia, blindness, coma.

I sit in the hospital.

Hours at a time.

I eat there.

Sometimes her hospital food.

She does not eat.

I doze and waken.

Nothing new.

The hospital people are so good to us.

Patient and kind and empathetic.

The doctor looks at me

With empty eyes.

I pray, I read

I hold her hand and tell her I love her.

I think of the mournful song,

“Maybe I should have held you

through the lonely, lonely nights.

Maybe I should have told you

I’m so happy that you’re mine.

The little things I could have said and done

but never took the time..

But you were always on my mind

You were always on my mind.”

Oh! How I wish

For just a little more time.

Now comes the Morphine.

The oxygen and difficult breathing.

Farewell.

I miss her.

“She’s in a better place”.

I tell myself.

But I miss her.

I pray for faith.

I am busy with the after details.

The cremation

The words of loved ones

trying to comfort me

Picking out the Urn, the flowers,

the internment.

The empty feeling leaving her

at the cemetery.

Life goes on

But, dear God

I miss her.

The death of a loved one is, unfortunately something we all must experience.

In my work as a therapist, I counsel people that the mourning does not end at the funeral. No more than a race ends at the finish line. But I have come to realize that it is Oh so personal!

Why do bad things happen to good people? I have pondered this mystery many times.

St. Paul says..

“Life is like a tapestry. While we are living, all we see is the back, which is just a confusing accumulation of thread and knots.. When our life is over, the tapestry turns and we see the true picture.” We then come to know why.”

There is a reason for all things. We must know the pain of loss; because if we never knew it, we would have no compassion for others. We would become monsters of self regard and self interest. The pain of loss teaches humility and has the power to soften our hearts, to make a better person of a good one.”

But, Dear God.. Oh! How I miss her!