How To Die Slowly And Painfully: A Set Of Guidelines Using Reverse Psychology

So you have decided that life is not worth living it up to the 80 year mark and you want to live just 50 years and, if you are lucky, 40 years, then this is the guide, in a few easy steps, for you to do just that.

  • Step number 1: Lungs? What are they good for after 40?
    You have to smoke, but not just 1 or 2 cigarettes a day, 1 or 2 packs a day is more like it. The more you smoke, the more you can literally build your tar deposits inside your lungs. You are not going to need them anyway after you are dead. More smoke equals more carcinogens so you could get lung cancer. But this is an offer you could not resist: If you smoke, you could not only get lung cancer, you could get COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease), you could increase the risk of a stroke or myocardial infarction, getting your legs chopped off because of damage to your arteries, all kinds of digestive tract cancer and much more. It is the all inclusive offer that no one could possibly reject.
  • Step number 2: Exercise? I am not going to be a model!
    After all, you have decided that you are not going to live off your body and you can not take it to the afterlife when you die so, why exercise? You can just sit and watch TV all day long and not worry about all of the greasy substance that is growing on and in the wall of your arteries. You really do not have to worry about it because it builds up by itself, effortlessly. And some day you get your long desired stroke or myocardial infarction.
  • Step number 3: Vegetables? What am I? A cow?
    You see, cows were put there to eat your vegetables, process them, turn them into good old meat and cholesterol, not the cholesterol free and unsaturated oils of vegetables, and then you can eat the good cow that is doing the job of digesting your vegetables for you. This is the way to get your hypercholesterolemia running up. Your fat tissue gets bigger and you get your desired resistance to insulin. That is the first step to getting your diabetes. And with diabetes come all the things you waited for: Retinal damage, kidney disease, and a lot more risk of stroke and infarction.
  • Step number 4: I know my mother had high blood pressure, but I swear can have it a lot higher.
    Ok, you have the genes that your family gave you, you can not change them. Some diabetes genes, some high blood pressure genes and so on. The point is you do not know how to activate them. Let me tell you that steps number 1 to 3 can activate them, but there is nothing like a sodium rich diet to get your rankings up in high blood pressure. You can make sure that every single artery of your body receives good hammering with every single beat of your heart (which will also suffer a lot). You could get you hemorrhagic stroke, Hipertensive myocardiopathy that could lead to heart failure or myocardial infarction, or better yet your own chronic kidney disease to enjoy dialysis and that could include all those joyful blood transfusions, immunodepression and much more. However, there is nothing like not knowing how high your blood pressure is and not expect when any of these organs is going to give you the surprise of your life.
    The idea is to follow this guidelines from step 1 to step 4 and get the opportunity of developing one of these diseases and conditions.