Everything would be much easier if you could understand that when you mutilate yourself you are doing something absurd that does not help you in any way, on the contrary: it will only cause you more problems and bring you more despair.
However, your ego obliges you to give explanations for your behavior and you keep trying to justify what you should condemn.
Of course, you do not believe you should condemn your own actions, otherwise you would stop acting the way you do, and this is why you insist on defending your absurd behavior instead of facing the truth and admitting that what you are doing against yourself is something crazy, because it is bad for you.
What would you think if someone asks you the meaning of the behavior of someone who keeps injuring his own body?
This behavior reflects despair in the face of the horrors of human life. However, you should not let despair dominate you. You have to show courage and bravely face everything, waiting for the moment when you'll be free. Nothing lasts forever. Think about it this way and face your pain without trying to find false solutions.
You need real relief, not more pain and more problems.
Write down your dreams everyday, even if you can not understand their meaning. I'm giving you many lessons and some day you'll be able to understand at least a little bit of their meaning and messages.
Even by understanding only a little bit you will already be helped, because the unconscious mind that produces your dreams is a doctor, who will show you the reality of using another kind of logic, instead of talking with you according to the logic of your ignorant , absurd and under-developed conscience.
Exactly because your human conscience has to be developed and has to transform the violent content existent in the biggest part of your brain into a human, sensitive and sensible content, you see dreams everyday that show you the mistakes you make by being one-sided, and which give you guidance.
There are many things you can do in order to be helped when everything goes wrong. Do not panic, and do not let your absurd side dominate you.
Show courage in the hard moments of life when you are threatened by despair, and you'll manage to survive and win in the end.
The unconscious mind will show you also how you can successfully solve all your problems, besides curing your injured psyche.